The Marathon.

The alarm went off at 3:15 am. It was still pitch dark outside. I got out of bed, put on my racing gear that I had set up only hours before, ate something. Went downstairs to catch the shuttle to the start line.

The entire world felt surreal. It was the middle of the night and I was surrounded by palm trees and people in matching purple singlets. The shuttle dropped us off somewhere and we had to walk the rest of the way. Almost everyone needed to use the bathroom. Coach Anne led us in a meditation, trying to calm our nerves. The lines to the bathroom were ridiculous. Kathleen and I had to rush to drop off our gear bags and then to our starting corrals. I was in corral 20, somewhere in the middle of 30,000 runners. The race officially started at 6:15 am, but it was 6:31 by the time I got to the start line.

And then I ran a marathon.

At first there were a lot of interesting things to look at. Spanish style houses, cool architecture, mountains and palm trees. One guy was running in a diaper with an inflatable monkey on his back. I was keeping up my 10 minute pace pretty well. At mile 5 we passed Petco Park. At every water station I had cytomax and water. Around mile 9 my leg muscles started feeling really tight. The backs of my legs were burning and my knee brace was chafing me. I stopped briefly to stretch, then kept going. I passed the half marathon mark at almost exactly the same time I got there the last time- which was a little disappointing, I was hoping to get there faster this time. But I had stopped to stretch.

At mile 14 I saw Tara, one of the TNT coordinators, and she cheered me on and took a picture of me. At mile 15ish I saw Coach Anne, who ran with me for a few minutes and asked how I was doing. She advised me to take a salt packet if I could get one and wished me luck.

I was taking shot blocks or GUs every 45 minutes or so. I stopped for another quick stretch after seeing Coach Anne, and then at mile 18 I actually got off the course to do a really good stretch. I did every leg stretch I could possibly think of. That ate about 10 minutes of my time. And then I got back up to do the last 8.2 miles.

By that time my pace was starting to slow down, but I was absolutely determined to run the entire thing. I just kept pushing myself to keep moving, telling myself it was almost over. Then I passed mile 20, and I was running further than I ever had before.

The miles seemed to be getting farther and farther apart Miles 21 to 24 were so painful and unpleasant. At that point we were running past a bay and the scenery was growing monotonous. But I kept moving. I was running so slowly that there was a girl who was power walking that was pretty much keepign up with me, but I was determined to run, no matter how slowly.

A really nice coach who I didn't know ran with me for a little while, reminding me that I was doing an amazing wonderful thing, and that the pain that I was feeling now was helping those suffering from cancer, and I was a superhero for doing what I was doing, and I was strong and I could do it and a lot of other good stuff. I was trying not to cry.

At mile 25, though, after that angel coach had fallen back, I really did start crying a bit. I couldn't believe that I was about to finish running a full marathon. I thought about the event in my life that had been the catalyst for this crazy endeavor, and everything I had been through the past five months with the training- the five am runs, the injuries, the progress and frustration and new friends and the exhaustion and the hope. I thought about how I had raised over 3600 dollars for charity, and for the generosity of everyone I knew who had donated both for a good cause and so that I could experience this feeling crossing a finish line after running 26.2 miles. I thought about how strong I had trained by body to be when everything else in my life had felt so helpless. And there were more spectators around now, cheering my name and telling me I was almost there.

I saw Coach Anne again and she ran with me for a bit, telling me what to do and where to go after the finish. I could barely even talk at that point so she left me to finish on my own.

And I crossed that finish line at five hours and sixteen minutes. I was a little bit disappointed because I had really wanted to do it in less than five hours, but at the same time, I was so overwhelmed and happy that I had been able to run a full marathon. I was now part of less than one percent of the population that had ever done it. My ankle hadn't popped the whole way and my knee had held up and my body was able to run for over five hours without giving up or passing out or getting injured.

I received my finishers medal and posed for a picture and then just kind of wandered around for awhile, trying to find the TNT tent. I passed a free food station and picked up a banana and bag of trail mix. My entire body just felt so totally drained of energy. I found the gear check vans and it took me what felt like 20 minutes to take off my sneakers and get my flip flops on. It was impossible to squat, my legs hurt so much.

I found my teammates, or really, they found me, and I got back to the hotel to rest up and enjoy the rest of the weekend. And that was the marathon. It's Thursday now and my legs are still hurting, but they are feeling a lot better.

I think what this whole experience has taught me is that I just have to keep moving, no matter how slowly I'm going, no matter how much the rest of me is hurting. There is a bigger picture and I will get to that finish line eventually even if it's not exactly within my goal time. I'll get there if I just keep moving, and we all get the same medal at the end, after all.

I can't wait to do another one.

crossing.

So this is it. In eight and a half hours, instead of leaving for a morning run, I'll be leaving for the airport to go to San Diego to run a full marathon.

It hasn't really sunk in yet.

It's... crazy. I still have so much packing to do. I'm so exhausted and excited at the same time.

When I signed up for this thing back in January, I was really hoping it would help me find happiness again- or at least contentment. Now it's the eve of the trip and I'm not sure yet how much it has helped... but it's been... something. And this weekend is bound to be amazing, so maybe I'll hold off my consensus until Monday.

On Saturday we had our last coached practice before the marathon. It was only eight miles because we're tapering, but I could feel how much progress I've made- running eight miles like it was nothing- even sprinting for chunks of it. Yet, there is a huge difference between 8 and 26.2. I don't feel completely ready and confident for Sunday, but I do know I will give it EVERYTHING I have. Without a doubt.

I look forward to crossing that finish line.

nothing heavy.

Last night, I dreamt I was running.

It was the easiest, most effortless run I had ever done in my life. My body felt light, I wasn't wearing a knee brace, my ankle wasn't popping, nothing hurt. Nothing felt heavy. I wasn't carrying my iPhone or adjusting my earphones because I didn't have to distract myself with music or an audiobook. I didn't have to push myself to keep going, and I wasn't constantly thinking about how much further I had to go before I was finished.

I was just flying. And let me tell you, it was beautiful.

I think I'm starting to understand this running thing.

one of those days.

I know that it's just one of those days. I know that I'll be ok. In two weeks I'll be in California running a freakin marathon. But today I'm not ok and I can't stop crying. I want to work out and at the same time all I want to do is sleep. I feel this twinge in my knee and in my heart and neither should be hurting this much this far along.

Yesterday I watched the movie The Prestige and there was a scene where a magician made a bird disappear by crushing him into nothing, basically. I kind of feel like that today.

It will be ok. Things cannot be like this forever.

How about that Lost finale, huh? So many things are ending.

Four Letter Word

Around mile four of my thirteen miler yesterday, I suddenly heard and felt a loud crack in the area of my right ankle, and subsequently, my ankle began popping again.

One word. Four letters. Starts with F.

I finished the thirteen miles, but it was not pleasant.

I pray it's ok again in time for the marathon. Two weeks from today.

The Dreaded 20 Miler.

In some ways, it went much better than I expected.

When I arrived at the team practice that morning, Lauri & Magdaly told me that there were cupcakes. "I don't think I could eat a cupcake right now," I said, making a face. The thought of that much sugar when I was already so nervous about the impending run and pain was too much.

They urged me to look at them, and so I did. Each cupcake had a letter on top, and they all spelled out: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DIANA 26". One of the training captains, Robin, had made them for me. It was so sweetly unexpected and really put me in a good mood to start the run. To think that someone at this very moment could be doing something really nice for you and you have absolutely no idea or expectation of it- I think those are the best surprises.

I felt strong during the run- like I could keep running forever. Don't get me wrong- by mile 12, I WANTED to stop. But that was mental. My body was capable of continuing, and I was feeling stubborn about finishing the twenty. I knew I had to- the marathon was only 3 weeks away. At least I felt much stronger than I had when I had done the 18 miler. I didn't stop for any walk breaks this time.

Also around mile 12, I started feeling a lot of pain around where I tie my laces on my right foot. I knew I needed pain killers to make it through the rest of the run, which was frustrating. Luckily I found someone at mile 13 that had extra strength tylenol, and I loosened my laces a bit, and I just kept going- telling myself that I only had a little over an hour left of torture.

Around mile 17 I started feeling the pain all the way up past my legs and hips into my torso.
But I just kept going and going and going like the freaking energizer bunny.

I finished the 20 in a little less than 4 hours. I know I don't have the fastest pace ever, and that includes a bathroom break and pausing briefly at a few water stops to stretch and chug gatorade, but I am so psyched that I was able to run the entire thing. And that I was done with our longest training run- it starts to get easier from here until the marathon so that our bodies are fully recovered to run the whole thing.

The pain after was bad but not as bad as I thought it might be. Not any worse than any of the other long runs. I was even able to go out for a bit that night (even though the exhaustion hit me at like 11 pm and I had to go home.)

But! I haven't been able to run since then, still- and it's Wednesday now. I woke up at 5:15 yesterday with every intention of running, but my legs still hurt too much, so I did some cross training instead. I'm going to try to run during my lunch break today... it's so frustrating that my legs still feel so off.

It's probably not a secret- but I'm a bit of an exercise addict. I get stressed and exercise is my mode of stress relief. It's productive, it makes me feel better about myself, it releases endorphins. When I don't work out, I feel horrible. And I have the type of body chemistry that when I miss a workout I definitely see it on the scale the next day. I need to keep burning calories as much as possible because some days it's one of the few things that keeps me sane.

Well, anyway. That was the twenty miler. It's very possible that I may only run that distance only once more in my entire life- the day of the full marathon, June 6th. It's coming so soon. Isn't it strange how my escape from my real life also hurts me and makes me stronger at the same time?

six miles at sunrise

So I guess now I can say that I know what it's like to run six miles at sunrise.

What a week. I've been up at 5:15 am every day to do my training because it's the only time all day I can fit it in. Monday and Tuesday were five miles each, Wednesday was cross training, and this morning I ran six miles. Let me tell you what happens when my cell phone alarm goes off at 5:15 am.

I shut it off.

Then, four minutes later, my actual alarm clock goes off across my room. And I am FORCED to jump out of bed and shut it off before it wakes up my roommates.

Then I force myself to eat a banana and drink some water that I have stashed by my bed for the sole purpose of waking me up. I swallow my supplements and the sugar in the banana hits me and I am somewhat more awake.

I have gone to sleep in a clean sports bra and running clothes, so all I have to do is put on my knee brace, sneakers, grab my ipod and head out the door.

I turn on my iPhone running app and the sun is still low in the sky. The app uses a GPS to track my mileage and also has a handy map of my route because otherwise I'd get hopelessly lost. I try to take different roads every day. While I'm running, I listen to books on tape and kind of zone out. It took me an hour to complete my run this morning. And afterwards, I felt pretty strong.

So even though I hate waking up that early, I do feel pretty glad that I did once I finish my run. It ALMOST makes up for the fact that I was in some pain today at work. Tomorrow's a rest day though, so I can actually sleep in until 6:30 am and hopefully my muscles will be recovered for the Dreaded Twenty Miler on Saturday morning. I am scared, but I'm trying not to think about it. At least after the Dreaded Twenty Miler our training runs start tapering down again until the marathon so that our bodies are more recovered for the full marathon.

It's weird how in my first blog entry I stated that I ran six miles like it was this huge unbelievable incredible feat, and now it's just like any other day. There's something about progression that makes me hopeful about life.

The Half.

I had thought I wouldn't be nervous for the half marathon. After all, it was only thirteen miles. Ha.

Maybe I was just excited. Maybe I was nervous about how my leg had felt especially off all week. Maybe it was because I was crashing at my parents' house for the night so that my mom could drop me off in the morning and I wouldn't have to worry about parking. Either way, I didn't get much sleep on Saturday night, the night before the Long Island Half Marathon.

I had all my stuff ready- had done a short 2 mile test run on Saturday afternoon with all my race gear. This included my team in training singlet and the belt pocket I had purchased at the race expo on Friday night. Stored in said belt pocket were three shot blocks and two GUs, which are nutritional supplements that runners take during long runs. I had my shoe tag on my sneakers, my number pinned to my shirt, body glide set out to put on my feet to prevent blisters. Sunscreen and a bag with a change of clothes for after the race. So everything was ready, but I still couldn't sleep.

I had set my alarm for 5:15 am, but at 5:07 I woke up and almost instantly was out of bed. I had my pre-long run meal of oatmeal with peanut butter and raisins, light on any fluids because I had already hydrated heavily the day before and didn't want to have to stop to use the bathroom during the race.

My mom dropped me off in Eisenhower Park at about 6:45 am, and I found the Team in Training booth- a big mass of purple singlets. The coaches gave a pep talk and then the whole group of us started walking down to the start line.

We hung around there for awhile, waiting for the race to begin. It did at 8 AM, but there were so many people (thousands!!) that it took a full 3 minutes for us to pass the start line.

My ankle started popping right away, and my knee felt off, which was really annoying. Still, I was determined. I was running a different pace than anyone else in my group, so I was running alone early on. I tried to listen to the iPod on my iPhone, but I'm not used to working it yet, and it kept shuffling. So then I tried listening to Last.fm & Pandora and that was slowing me down and luckily I finally got the iPod to work. (Looking back, that probably slowed me down and caused me valuble seconds or even minutes to my finish time!!)

Even though it was so early, it was already hot out, and for the first few miles of the race I was running behind this guy in full army gear and I wasn't sure how he wasn't passing out. I passed him, though, and basically I just kept running, pacing my miles. There were large clocks at each mile as well as water stations. I would grab a cup from a volunteer, chug it, fling it to the side of the road. You had to be careful of all the empty cups in the road. Repeat 13 times. Ha. It was a semi-interesting route because it was mostly roads I drive down often, like Old Country Rd and Jericho Turnpike and Post Ave and even a bit of Wantagh Parkway. I had never run on a parkway before. While I was on there, around mile 9, we all had to move to the side of the road to make room for an ambulance rushing to some lady who had passed out.

I just kept going and going and it was hotter than expected but my leg was bothering me more than the heat. At mile 12 I started to get really excited about seeing my family and Justin at the finish line. Then, and at a couple other points during the race, I almost felt like I was going to cry, because I just couldn't believe I was doing this, and doing it pretty well!

Near the finish line I saw Mom, Dad, Andrew, etc- it all happened really fast- and then I picked up my pace and finished strong at 2:23:25. That was the first time I ran that long without stopping to stretch. I heard them announce my name over a speaker- saying DIANE Caporaso- and I wanted to kill them. Haha. I was handed my half marathon medal and a reusable lunch bag of free food. I hadn't seen Justin before the finish line, but he was the first one I found after crossing. I ran up to him and hugged him, even though I was all sweaty and gross. We found the rest of my family members who had been able to come see me for the finish- and it felt so awesome because they all seemed so proud of me, as well as a bit in awe that I was capable of running for that long. It was such an intense, amazing experience. And it's a bit weird to think that it's an experience I might not have had if my life hadn't been thrown into that blender after New Year's.

Afterwards we all went out to brunch and I changed out of my sweaty running clothes into a nice purple dress but I kept my medal on. In the bathroom of the diner I randomly ran into my favorite teacher from high school, and she had just run the half marathon too. Life can be so incredibly random sometimes.

And I also can't help but feel really scared for the full marathon, which is only a month away now. When did that happen??? Am I ready? I don't know if I can last 26 miles with a popping ankle. I saw the podiatrist last week and tomorrow I'm seeing an orthopedist. I really hope I can get the leg situation sorted out soon.

Also, I just turned 26 two days ago. Seems like a fitting year to be running a marathon.

Brace.

The doc gave me an ankle brace which is the most ridiculous, heavy, horrible thing in the world.

Do not want.

I ran 1.63 miles with it and had to stop.

Do not like.

What to do?

Docs & Salt & Painkillers

I couldn't do my run today, and it was SO frustrating. My legs still hurt too much from Saturday and I was afraid of making them worse before the official Long Island half marathon on Sunday. I officially made an appointment to get it checked out tomorrow so hopefully everything will be ok and I'll be running again soon.

One of the training captains during the run on Saturday gave me a tip about freezing a water bottle and rolling it up and down my legs, and that helps. Also been taking a plethora of painkillers, a nice mix of tylenol and aleve and ibuprofen. Seems like everyone on my team is dealing with some kind of running injury at this point, though.

I can't believe that the half marathon is this Sunday!!! I am so excited for it!!! I really hope it goes well. It's surreal to even think about.

Here's something kind of strange that I didn't know before my marathon training: When you run for hours at a time, the salt from your sweat kind of collects on your face a bit. So after the long runs I'll see this white powderish looking stuff around my eyes. I think some of it got into my eye at the end of the last long run too and it burned like hell.

Mostly I'm just stressed about seeing the doctor tomorrow and excited for the half marathon and trying not to think too much about anything else. In that fashion, the marathon itself is one giant painkiller, some kind of generic store-brand swallowed without water.

Why are there so many stairs?

Oh my goodness. My legs are in so much pain I can't even move. And that's after only three quarters of a marathon!!! How am I going to survive the full????

And I thought it was painful waking up at 5:15 am to get to my run in time. It was the 4th time this week that I've woken up before six to get training done.

I did eighteen miles and... it wasn't easy. The route had a few intense hills. (They call them the cardiac hills. They're a bitch.) My ankle kept popping. My knee felt off. But besides that the pain is your pretty average muscle soreness.

I drove home afterwards, my muscles tense. It hurt so much to walk up the stairs. I felt like somebody's ninety-five year old grandmother. I basically collapsed onto the floor in my room. I took off my running sneakers and my toes were dirty for some reason and one of my toenails was really black and blue and I had new blisters and my feet kind of smelled funky.

I started walking downstairs to take a shower and each step took about half a minute, it felt like. I was finally almost there when I realized I'd forgotten my towel and I felt like crying.

Quickest shower in the history of the world, and I haven't done much since except lie in bed. I went downstairs one more time to get my ice pack, and afterwards I just stood at the foot of the stairs briefly, half-laughing, half-crying at how ridiculously hard it would be for me to climb them. "WHY ARE THERE SO MANY STAIRS?" I asked out loud.

I'm hungry and thirsty but getting food and water means another trip downstairs and I really don't know if I have the strenghth for that right now. Maybe someday running 18 miles will be easy for me, but that's definitely not today.

I hope I feel better by tonight so I can get out and do something. It's such a beautiful day out. I've been feeling really down about a bunch of things. At least when I'm trucking through those last few miles, determined to get to that predetermined number, it's hard to think of anything else besides making it to the end. Today I have pushed my body harder than I ever have. And I'm three quarters of the way there.

... all of this pain will be worth it in the end... right?

Running out of time.

Last Saturday I ran 13 miles and while it was still a bit difficult towards the end it was still sooo much easier than it has been. I ran the whole thing and had less gatorade stops during the run. I remember thinking at one point, "Since when did running 13 miles become easy?"

In comparison to 16, at least- it definitely was. I'm still really scared of the 18 miler this weekend. And about driving home after. I know I'll probably have to leave Saturday mostly, if not completely, free just for recovering from the training. I cannot even explain to you how I feel after a Saturday morning training run. I'm completely stripped of energy and I just want to lie in bed all day and walking hurts and going up and down the stairs REALLY hurts and I feel these little muscles on the sides of my feet that I didn't even know I had popping and it hurts but at the same time I know I'm doing something amazing.

In other running news, I finally got an iPhone last week (yay technology!!!) and have since downloaded a couple of running apps for tracking distance and pace and such. I'm not sure how exactly accurate they are, but they're still cool.

On Sunday I went to a fundraiser that one of the girls on my running team, Magdaly, held at QZar, a place I hadn't been since high school! It was so much fun and I won a raffle- a gift certificate to Posh Hair Salon. Which is good because my hair sucks. Did I mention that Magdaly is awesome and we're going to be roommates in San Diego? I've really met some awesome people through Team in Training. My mentor Lauri has been helpful relating to stuff, and not just running related.

I cannot believe the half marathon is less than 2 weeks away, and that I'm not one bit nervous about it. I'm much more nervous about attempting 18 miles this weekend at hilly Sunken Meadow. With everything going on on race day, and with my training between now and then, I'm hoping it really will be an easy, fun one. Some people have already mentioned coming out to see me at the start and or/the finish line, and I'm really psyched about that!!!

I still feel like I have awhile to go before being able to run a full marathon though, and I'm running out of time. Woah. Totally unintentional pun.

Stubborn Numbers

Sixteen miles. Sixteen miles! Sixteen miles.

That's what I did on Saturday. I suppose that I haven't updated until now because it's taken me that long to recover from it.

I also officially met my fund raising goal yesterday!!! I'm even a few hundred dollars over. The more the better, right? It's all for a good cause. That's what I was telling myself during miles 14, 15, and 16 on Saturday. I just kept going, and going, and going when everything in my body was telling me to stop. The company of the training captains and coaches and teammates helped, but it was also that stubborn number in my head. Sixteen. Sixteen! Sixteen.

This weekend we only have to do thirteen. (ONLY thirteen???? When did that thought formulate?) Next weekend, it's up to eighteen. But one day at a time.

Life's still crazy, but not in such a bad way anymore.

keep on.

Life has been crazy, and not in a good way. At least I have this running thing going on. At the same time, I'm kind of locked into it- I won't be able to get away, between this and my two jobs, for months. It's hard feeling trapped when all I want to do is get away from everything, even just for a weekend.

But isn't that life? It keeps going even when everything is wrong. It just keeps going. The sun rises and the sun sets and weeks pass and months pass and you might be sad but it just keeps going.

At least when I'm running, I feel strong. I feel alive. I feel motivated. Just like when I write and put things down on paper. I wish I had more time for the writing thing.

I don't understand a lot of things- even something that should be completely basic to me- myself. Life keeps going anyway. And I keep running. Maybe someday I'll make to that that finish line, whatever it is.

Fall.

It's Friday night and I'm going to bed early to be fully rested for a 7:30 am team run and meeting with four clients right after.

Bought some new running clothes tonight since my coach has been on my case about wearing cotton. This marathon is depleting my bank account.

***

I really hope that one day all of these screwed up pieces of my life will fall into place.

Worth it.

So basically, it's 8 pm and I'm ready to fall asleep. I'm sore and tired all the time now between working two jobs and training for the marathon. The days have been really long and when I do get home I'm too tired to do much of anything, like working on my writing, which I really want to do.

But! Despite the challenges, I still think this marathon is doing so much to keep me sane lately. It's so mental, pulling through all those miles, and so rewarding to feel it getting just a little easier every time I go out to run. After that missed run a couple of weeks ago, I went to an injury prevention clinic and was really disappointed to find out that because of my leg alignment, I have to be extra cautious about completing the full marathon. Since then, I've been running with a knee brace, using an ice compress, and stretching and everything I can do to prevent my knee from stopping me. And it's been feeling so much better! Which is a relief.

Two Saturdays ago there was a team run at the Massapequa Preserve. It was a 12 mile run and I felt totally unprepared, having missed the 10 mile run the week before. On top of everything, I was fifteen minutes late to practice, meaning I was well behind the rest of the team and running alone. I really struggled through it- I wasn't wearing the knee brace, and it got so boring running alone for that long. For the last third of it I had to alternate between running and walking. I felt good to at least finish the twelve miles, but I was still nervous about my performance.

After that I never ran without the knee brace again. And then, last Sunday, I ran a full 13 miles with the team. THIRTEEN MILES. Thirteen frigging miles. I ran. That's a half marathon! Seriously... it's still mind boggling to me, honestly. It's a lot to take in. I almost got a bit teary eyed when I finished. It's kind of just overwhelming to even think about. I'm halfway there. And I remember when I was first considering running half a marathon, I was concerned about being able to do it by May, and here it was, still March, and I had already done it.

It's moments like that that make all this training worth it. Moments like today, when I ran outside during my lunch break, and easily finished over 4 miles like it was nothing. Moments like when my sister tells me that I'm her inspiration, or when I get a donation from an unexpected source, or when we are constantly reminded that what we are doing matters, that we are really helping to save people's lives- I'm doing something that matters. It isn't always easy, but since when is anything that's worth it easy? And if it was easy, would it be worth it? Would it feel this good?

My life has been all kinds of crazy lately, and doing this marathon is helping me so much mentally, physically, and emotionally. It's helping me with my patience and discipline and perspective. And even though it's only 8:26 pm and I'm exhausted enough to pass out right now, at least I feel like I'm worth something as I fall asleep.

Feeling Bad.

I really wanted to run in the rain today. I know that sounds crazy, but I really, really did.

Unfortunately, my injury had other ideas.

A week ago, at my niece and nephew's birthday party, I sipped coffee from a Wow Wow Wubbzy cup and asked my older brother Anthony to look at my knee. It's been bothering me, and he's a doctor.

He poked and prodded it, compared it to the other one, checked for fluids or something (gross) and for a moment, he looked concerned, but then he had me sit down, and he examined again, and declared I should be fine. He recommended a knee brace and ice, just like everyone else.

Why did I wait so long?

I did my weekly runs, including a really nice 3.25 miles outside during my lunch break on Thursday. It was bothering me a bit then, too, but I just pushed through it.

I'm not sure if I pulled a muscle or something, but when I woke up on Friday, my right knee felt off and the muscles around it hurt a LOT. My hamstring, too. And quads. And everything. Why did I get the worst blisters on my right foot, too? My entire left leg remains fine.

It hurt so much at work I even had to take the elevator instead of the stairs, something I hate doing because I am a very impatient person and it makes me feel lazy. I took painkillers, and during my lunch break I spent over 30 dollars on a knee brace and ice compress. I took it easy all day, really hoping that I'd still be able to do my run with the team this morning.

When I woke up this morning, I knew right away the my leg and knee could not handle a ten mile run. I hate thinking that others might assume that I wussed out because of the rain. If rain were the only factor, I'd be there in a heartbeat. But... I don't want to hurt myself anymore than I already have.

Luckily this morning after the run is an injury clinic (perfectly timed?) So I'll be going to that and hopefully getting the doctor who is running it to take a quick look at my knee and see if he recommends anything.

I feel really, really bad that I didn't do my ten miler today. I feel so far behind. I can only hope that I can do it tomorrow... but it'll be so much harder alone.

Equality

Waking up at 6:30 on a Saturday after less than five hours of sleep= ouch.
Doing so to run an hour and a half in the cold= ouch.
Doing so while my right knee was bothering me much for a good portion of the run=ouch.
Running uphill= ouch ouch.

Running downhill= FREAKIN FANTASTIC.

waiting for the light

I was stopped at the corner of Elwood and Jericho, waiting for the light to turn green. My face was wet.

I told myself, "I'm okay. I'm okay."

I tried again. "I will be okay."

The light changed, I had to go. I had to wake up in less than six hours to meet my marathon training team for an hour and a half long run in Sunken Meadow Park. I heard that there will be hills and team photos. I've never run that long without stopping before. I'm not too good with hills, either. But I'm still going to do it. Tomorrow I will do something that I have never done before. I've heard that once you get through the hills, just running a straight path is easy.

Before I get home, I told myself, silently this time, my face will be dry.

I was right.

Falls and Crosses

As I was walking into my office building today I saw a woman and small girl walking hand in hand. I assume they were mother and daughter, but who can really know these things?

The girl was wearing a puffy pink jacket and a knit hat with tassels on it. Out of nowhere, she fell.

Immediately, of course, she started wailing. The woman helped her up and inspected her hands. "Stop screaming!" she instructed. "You have nothing, you have nothing!"

I guess this woman doesn't know that not all pain is physical and visual. That the fact that the world can just lead you to fall without any reason or fault of your own can hurt just as much, if not more, than scrapes or blood.

Still, wailing about it is never attractive. Especially when you're not a little girl anymore. I must remember this.

I wonder if that little girl even remembers her fall right now, or if she's content and happy in pre-K making macaroni necklaces, her trauma completely forgotten, her hair full of static from her pink hat and her not even caring. And here I am... here I am.

I got in my cross training yesterday and then some. This marathon is perhaps the best thing I have going for me right now.

JM, Trouble, and Karma

Not much new to report, except that I did get my training runs in the past two days, and I bought the new Jillian Michaels DVD for my cross training tomorrow.

I kind of got in trouble at work for sending out fund raising letters to everyone's home addresses (the person who gave me the master office list shouldn't have, apparently, and my boss was upset that I refused to rat out who gave it to me.). But! I came home today to find a donation check in the mail, and that was exciting! I really hope they continue to come. I'm getting there.

While I was at Borders tonight buying the DVD, the chick behind the counter asked me if I wanted to donate a book or a teddy bear to a children's hospital. I remembered how many people are supporting me by making donations to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, so I quickly agreed to donate a book. (I'm big on getting kids to read, too. It's the writer in me.) So I guess that was me passing along some good karma, there.

Also, is it just me, or was tonight's episode of lost the best yet this season?

Waking Up.

When my alarm went off at 5:45 am this morning, it was still dark out. Every fiber in my being said, "Diana, what are you doing! It's Saturday! You are crazy!"

I hit the snooze alarm and debated back and forth whether I should go. After the blizzard Thursday night and Friday, I wasn't too keen on running outside in potentially icy conditions.

I decided not to go, but a few minutes later I realized I was too awake to go back to sleep, and knew how disappointed I would be if I didn't.

So I got up, had my usual power breakfast of oatmeal with peanut butter and raisins, planted the address of the park into my GPS, and pulled into a parking lot to find a large group of other runners huddled about and stretching.

It was early! I felt as if I was a member of some kind of secret club that most people sleep through. We ran for 75 minutes today- started at 7:15 and ended at 8:30- just looping around the park over and over. I decided to go without the ipod and instead chatted with a few different stranger-teammates, and the time flew... Coach Dave said I did a really good job today. I did notice that I was running at a faster pace than most of the group from the beginning.

My right knee started bothering me a bit, but other than that- I was fine, I was so happy that I didn't really get out of breath at all. After the run was over, a bunch of the group headed to a nearby museum for a nutrition clinic. Even though I'm a nutritionist at Lucille Roberts, I wanted to show my face and do the team thing and try to get to know people more. I'm glad I went because we got to sample a bunch of different sport endurance products that I haven't tried yet, and some of them were really good! (Some of them were so gross. GU? Yuck.)

By the time I left at 11 am I felt like I had already had a very productive day with good people. I was fully intending to go to the gym, but my coaches keep warning me not to overtrain, and I realize how exhausted I am running for over an hour on less than 5 hours of sleep. I really need to get a nap in because I'm going out to the city tonight and will probably be getting back home really late.

I'm really glad I woke up this morning. It was tough, but it was worth it, and I keep getting reminders that this is all for a very good cause, and it feels good to do something that matters, even if it isn't easy.

TShirts & Socials

My life, training-wise. (Of course there is a lot of other stuff going on too... but... you know.)

Yesterday I did the 30 minutes with intervals up to 8.0. Perhaps one day I will be a fast runner.

Also yesterday, I got one of the Team in Training emails announcing the highest fundraisers thus far, and someone on my team was mentioned, but when I checked her fundraising page, I realized I have actually raised more so far (right now I'm at $1725). But! Tonight at the Team in Training social I received the credit where it was due with an announcement of my name and a giant bright green tshirt. I knew I was doing pretty well with the fundraising, but I didn't realize that I was ahead of everyone else for the San Diego Marathon :) It's definitely brought out the competitive side in me, wanting me to raise more and more and more :) Just like when I went to the first information meeting for Team in Training- I won a tshirt then too by listing the most names of people I know. Which was a good feeling, even though I will never be able to wear said tshirt because I could probably fit three or four of me inside it.

Anyway! The social tonight was nice. It was at the Post Office Cafe in Babylon. I'm slowly starting to get to know more people who are also making themselves suffer through training.

Didn't have enough time to fit in all of my 50 minutes of cross training today :( Pretty much went to the social right after work, and was cramming in finishing as many letteres to send out as possible. (I've finished 72 so far... at least 28 more to go.) But! I intend to tack on the extra cross training time to my 30 minute run tomorrow, and I'm also hoping the impending winter storm doesn't conflict with my training tomorrow :-/

Things will be better once spring comes, I hope. All this cold wet stuff will just melt away and I'll finally be able to feel warm again and...

Fade.

I love love love my new running socks. My blisters are finally... slowly... starting to fade away.

Intervals and Insanity

Stuck to the allotted 30 minutes today, but since I was running for a shorter period of time, I pushed myself to run faster, doing intervals of up to 7.5 mph. Not too bad, I suppose.

I feel like I've been working on my letters for a very long time and I'm only halfway through them.

Um, my life is crazy, I must go to sleep now.

Slow & Steady & Swollen

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

My feet hurt. My knee hurts.

Perhaps should have broken in new sneakers more slowly instead of immediately running 9 miles in them.

It's weird because as I was leaving the gym today I was thinking, "Wow, I just ran 9 miles and I feel fine!!!

And now, hours later... swelling. Pain.

I think for now on I'm going to follow the training schedule to a T and never try to skip ahead. I really don't want to force things and then hurt myself and be out of the thing before I even really start. This is yet another test for my almost non-existing patience. Slow and steady wins the race, right? You can't rush these things.

Can't rush anything, though sometimes I really wish I could.

Breaking & Rebuilding

In my training schedule, Saturdays are the Big Days, sandwiched by rest days on Friday and Sundays. This particular Saturday began with me going to a shoe clinic at the Runner's Edge in Farmingdale, where I finally got proper running sneakers for myself. Apparently I was wearing a trail running shoe even though I've mostly been doing the treadmill, and did you know that you're supposed to buy a size larger for running sneakers than your usual size because your feet swell up so much during long runs? Well, I did not.

Armed with the proper footwear and proper socks, I went to the gym, ran six miles, took a break during which I bought a sports drink (I've been reading about the loss of electrolytes and potassium and such during the long runs) and then ran another 3, bringing my grand total for the day to 9 miles. (!!!!) For some reason my headphones chose to die shortly before the end of mile 8, so I had to do the whole last mile without music, which sucked. But it felt good to hit a new goal.

One of the Team in Training coaches emailed me today, and a couple of the things she said really made me think. She was talking about how when you exercise you essentially are breaking your body down, but afterwards the body rebuilds itself and becomes stronger. That just seems like such a beautiful concept to me. I know I need to and want to become a much stronger person than I am now. The coach, who is injured at the moment, is frustrated that she hasn't been able to run, but that being involved with Team in Training she meets so many people who facing serious illnesses and are going through chemo, so it really helps to put things in perspective.

So yeah, in a lot of ways my life really sucks right now. (For example, I spent almost the entire past two days at work stuffing envelopes. MY LIFE IS BEING WASTED!!!) But, I am capable of running a marathon. I am able to contribute to helping find a cure for cancer. (1,500 dollars so far.) I am able to put words on paper in a way that seems to really touch people. (Three years since writing it, and I still receive emails so often from strangers who read and loved my novel Allison Wonderland.) I need to acknowledge these things and stop being so friggin depressed all of the time. Things are not how I want them to be, but hopefully if I keep moving and keep trying to do the right things, everything will work itself out eventually.

I drink a crapload of Yogi tea, and each tea bag has a little fortune cookie-type message attached to its string. One of my messages today was, "Be proud of who you are." It's one of those cheesy things to do but... so many people have this horrible negative self image of themselves, me among them, more than I would like to admit. When I'm completely honest with myself, though, deep down I know I'm a pretty good person and yeah, I have the typical amount of screw ups in my history, but who doesn't?

What I really want- more than anything- is to be happy. Something tells me that in order to be happy, I need to be stronger first. So I will continue breaking myself down and rebuilding myself until I get there.

Training & Toenails

So I've been reading this book about first marathons and one girl said that during her marathon she lost a toenail!!! She also wasn't able to walk properly for 5 days afterwards. Eek!!!

Another writer had a similar problem with her toenails- first they'd turn black, and then they'd fall off. Oh my. No wonder my middle toe on my right foot is black and blue. I seriously hope that purchasing the correct sneakers and socks prevents me from losing any toenails. Gross. I want my toenails there so that I can paint them pink, thank you.

One of my clients has gone from 181 pounds to 173 pounds in just a few weeks! I am very excited for her. I love to see people lose weight. My goal is to get her in the 160's in the next session or two.

Training schedule for tonight called for 30 minutes of running. I did 35 and then 25 minutes on the arc trainer.

And now, it is past my bedtime. Work in the AM. Team run on Saturday morning at 8 AM. Clients Sunday morning. I won't be able to sleep late again for a long, long time.

A Novel & A Marathon.

Wednesdays are cross training days on my training schedule. Today's date called for 40 minutes of it, so I did a plethora of DVD workouts, a nice mix of weight training, cardio, and ab exercises... and, ok, I ended up going longer than 40 minutes. After being such a gym addict, it's hard for me to stick to these shorter sessions and feel like I'm getting enough of a workout. And then if I feel like I haven't worked out enough, I start feeling bad. OK... maybe a deeper issue here... moving on.

I've set another goal for myself on top of this marathon. (HA! As if training for a marathon is not enough!) I'm aiming to finish my second novel manuscript by June 7th (the day after the marathon.) That way I can start querying agents that week after I'm doing with all the marathon hoopla. So, can Diana Caporaso finish a novel and a marathon in a little over four months? I guess we shall see.

I'm just kind of in this dark place in my life right now, and setting these crazy high goals for myself... well, it's somewhat keeping me busy. And when you're busy- concentrating on making it to that next mile, or figuring out how you're going to raise another 1400 dollars, or in the writing zone with fictional characters- well, it leaves very little space in your head for all the things you don't want to be thinking about.

So here goes. A novel and a marathon. How far can I push myself? I'm putting it in writing for the whole world to see, so there's no going back now.

Lost and Found

My training schedule had "30 minutes" written in the little box for February 16th. I ran for 35.

It didn't feel like enough. I understand the concept- shorter runs during the week, saving and building our energy towards long runs on Saturday- but I've gotten used to always wanting to push myself and go farther.

I probably would have, too, if I didn't have to rush to meet a new client at Lucille Roberts. (Who, by the way, seems like one of those genuinely sweet people in the world, I'm really happy to be working with her.)

Tomorrow is a non-run day on the training schedule- it's cross training instead. I know it's good to cross train, but! I want to run!!!

I should probably take it easy now while I still can, I guess. Soon enough I'll be hating life at mile 15 with eleven more miles to go.

I was in such a rush while leaving the gym that I forgot my fancy schmancy 12 dollar water bottle at the treadmill. I was quite sad about it... it's pretty new still. After I met with my client I thought, why not give it a shot? and went back to Planet Fitness to see if it was still there.

One of the guys who works there helped me, and we looked around for a bit, and it all seemed pretty bleak. I double checked in the women's locker room, already resigning myself to the fact that it had been tossed or stolen.

But when I passed the main desk on the way out, there was the Planet Fitness guy holding it, he had found it behind the desk somewhere. And it's silly, but its one of the best feelings in the world when you find something again after you thought you'd lost it forever.

I hope someday I can experience that lost-and-found type happiness for something besides an overpriced pink plastic water bottle.

Repeatedly Breaking Personal Records.

So it did turn out to be a really good running day for me!! After an awesome session with a client at Lucille Roberts, I headed over to Planet Fitness where I ran six miles on the treadmill and then the time limit on the machine kicked in, so I did half an hour of weight work and then ran another two miles for a grand total of eight miles. Eight miles in one day, that's a new record for me!

I guess one of the things about training for a marathon is that in doing so you are repeatedly breaking new personal records for yourself.

My feet are pretty blistered and the middle toe on my right foot is kind of black and blue for some reason, but otherwise, I'm doing fine. I'm hoping the Team in Training shoe clinic on Saturday will help me find a better pair of sneakers and solve this problem.

As much as life can suck in other areas, at least there's this, and I'm going to try to focus on it and make myself better as much as I can...

One Hundred Strangers Turned Teammates

It's Saturday, but I was up at 7:30 this morning to get ready and meet with a client at Lucille Roberts before heading over to the Team in Training kick-off "party" at the Dave and Busters in Farmingdale. It was quite the event and overwhelming at first because it was basically a hundred people I didn't know. However, while waiting in line I learned this cool trick where if you simply turned to the person next to you and said brightly, "So, are you running the San Diego marathon?" they would become completely friendly and start up a conversation with you. So that was good.

I could tell a lot of work and organization was put into this event (and probably even more into the clean up after we left.) They introduced all the mentors, training captains, and coaches, showed a pretty decent video, and sent us off to meet with our coaches.

The training schedule looks awesome. Just a month from today, on March 13th, I'll be doing a ten mile run with my team. By the end of March, we'll be doing a 14 mile run. (That's over half a marathon! So much quicker than I expected!!) But with all the training leading up to it, it does seem feasible.

We went for our first team run together afterwards, just a short one, a little over 2.5 miles. Still, I did struggle a little bit because a) it was cold!!!! b) I've been getting used to running on the treadmill, which, in my opinion is easier than running outside, and c) I have a really bad cold, which was kind of screwing with my breathing, and proper breathing is vital to running.

From the team run I went to the gym where I ran another 2 miles, and then did some cross training on the arc trainer, but... I was so frustrated because physically, my body just wasn't feeling it today. Because of the cold & congestion, I felt like I had all these pins in my throat, and then my knee started bothering me- GAH! I know most people wouldn't consider running 4.5 miles an "off" day for working out, but for me, personally- by this point I'm expecting more out of myself. Being an avid gym addict for so long, I can definitely tell when my body is not working at its full potential. And today, unfortunately, was one of those days.

But what could I do? I did some good stretching, bought some cold medicine and am hoping that I'll have a better run tomorrow. I don't want to let anyone down- not those one hundred strangers who are now my teammates, not all the generous people who have already donated and those I hope will still donate, and especially not myself.

Today & Tomorrow

Today I received what I thought was one of the best compliments I've ever gotten. I was told I look like a runner. After spending the last decade struggling with body image issues, it was nice to hear. Although I'm not totally sure I believe it yet. I'll believe it once I cross that finish line in California.

Tomorrow is the Kick-Off Party for everyone doing the Team in Training spring season, followed by our first training session/run. Looking forward to officially starting, but not looking forward to running outside in 20 degree weather. Hope I'll be able to stay warm as long as I keep moving...

Blenders and Blisters

On Tuesday night I ran six miles. Let's just start with that.

Even just recently, I never could have pictured myself being able to say that. And yet I signed up to run a marathon in June. I remember the question being asked at the Team in Training information session: "Who's ready to change a life?" To be honest, my first instinctual thought was, "My own."

Around New Years my life got put into a blender and whirled around and emerged as this smoothie that I'm still trying to grow accustomed to the taste of. Among other things, I (FINALLY!) moved out of my parents house and started my second job as a weight loss coach at Lucille Roberts. One day I was about to throw out yetanotherbrochure that I had gotten in the mail from a running charity, but I stopped, looked at it, and thought, "Why not?" Why not focus as much of my disheveled energy into doing something good?

I've been sort of a gym addict since college but I've never been much of an endurance runner. It's one of those things that I always wanted to to be able to say: "I'm a runner." I somewhat envied those people who went for five mile loops before breakfast.

Another day recently at the gym, before the six mile mark, I was still lingering around doing two to three miles a night before getting bored and moving to the next machine. But I noticed a girl on a treadmill near mine, and her numbers read over five miles. The competitive side of me came out and I thought, "If she can do it, I can do it," and I kept myself going until I had hit that landmark.

The marathon is raising money for blood cancers, and as far as I know, I've never known anyone with blood cancer personally, but different types of cancers have definitely affected my family: my mother, my brother, my aunt... I'm sure so many people could say the same thing. I've also strangely been noticing blood cancer mentioned in the media a lot lately: In the movie Dear John, which I saw last weekend; in the Survivor special featuring Ethan Zohn; in a book a picked randomly at the library: The True and Outstanding Adventures of the Hunt Sisters. These instances have put a face on the battle I'm helping to fight, and keep me running that extra mile.

I worry about about meeting the fundraising goal. I am 47% of the way there, and people have been so generous, and others have pledged to help out, too. I hope I can do this. I need to do this.

Also: I need new sneakers. Blisters= ouch.

Six is good, but I signed up for twenty-six. I still have a long way to go.