Brace.

The doc gave me an ankle brace which is the most ridiculous, heavy, horrible thing in the world.

Do not want.

I ran 1.63 miles with it and had to stop.

Do not like.

What to do?

Docs & Salt & Painkillers

I couldn't do my run today, and it was SO frustrating. My legs still hurt too much from Saturday and I was afraid of making them worse before the official Long Island half marathon on Sunday. I officially made an appointment to get it checked out tomorrow so hopefully everything will be ok and I'll be running again soon.

One of the training captains during the run on Saturday gave me a tip about freezing a water bottle and rolling it up and down my legs, and that helps. Also been taking a plethora of painkillers, a nice mix of tylenol and aleve and ibuprofen. Seems like everyone on my team is dealing with some kind of running injury at this point, though.

I can't believe that the half marathon is this Sunday!!! I am so excited for it!!! I really hope it goes well. It's surreal to even think about.

Here's something kind of strange that I didn't know before my marathon training: When you run for hours at a time, the salt from your sweat kind of collects on your face a bit. So after the long runs I'll see this white powderish looking stuff around my eyes. I think some of it got into my eye at the end of the last long run too and it burned like hell.

Mostly I'm just stressed about seeing the doctor tomorrow and excited for the half marathon and trying not to think too much about anything else. In that fashion, the marathon itself is one giant painkiller, some kind of generic store-brand swallowed without water.

Why are there so many stairs?

Oh my goodness. My legs are in so much pain I can't even move. And that's after only three quarters of a marathon!!! How am I going to survive the full????

And I thought it was painful waking up at 5:15 am to get to my run in time. It was the 4th time this week that I've woken up before six to get training done.

I did eighteen miles and... it wasn't easy. The route had a few intense hills. (They call them the cardiac hills. They're a bitch.) My ankle kept popping. My knee felt off. But besides that the pain is your pretty average muscle soreness.

I drove home afterwards, my muscles tense. It hurt so much to walk up the stairs. I felt like somebody's ninety-five year old grandmother. I basically collapsed onto the floor in my room. I took off my running sneakers and my toes were dirty for some reason and one of my toenails was really black and blue and I had new blisters and my feet kind of smelled funky.

I started walking downstairs to take a shower and each step took about half a minute, it felt like. I was finally almost there when I realized I'd forgotten my towel and I felt like crying.

Quickest shower in the history of the world, and I haven't done much since except lie in bed. I went downstairs one more time to get my ice pack, and afterwards I just stood at the foot of the stairs briefly, half-laughing, half-crying at how ridiculously hard it would be for me to climb them. "WHY ARE THERE SO MANY STAIRS?" I asked out loud.

I'm hungry and thirsty but getting food and water means another trip downstairs and I really don't know if I have the strenghth for that right now. Maybe someday running 18 miles will be easy for me, but that's definitely not today.

I hope I feel better by tonight so I can get out and do something. It's such a beautiful day out. I've been feeling really down about a bunch of things. At least when I'm trucking through those last few miles, determined to get to that predetermined number, it's hard to think of anything else besides making it to the end. Today I have pushed my body harder than I ever have. And I'm three quarters of the way there.

... all of this pain will be worth it in the end... right?

Running out of time.

Last Saturday I ran 13 miles and while it was still a bit difficult towards the end it was still sooo much easier than it has been. I ran the whole thing and had less gatorade stops during the run. I remember thinking at one point, "Since when did running 13 miles become easy?"

In comparison to 16, at least- it definitely was. I'm still really scared of the 18 miler this weekend. And about driving home after. I know I'll probably have to leave Saturday mostly, if not completely, free just for recovering from the training. I cannot even explain to you how I feel after a Saturday morning training run. I'm completely stripped of energy and I just want to lie in bed all day and walking hurts and going up and down the stairs REALLY hurts and I feel these little muscles on the sides of my feet that I didn't even know I had popping and it hurts but at the same time I know I'm doing something amazing.

In other running news, I finally got an iPhone last week (yay technology!!!) and have since downloaded a couple of running apps for tracking distance and pace and such. I'm not sure how exactly accurate they are, but they're still cool.

On Sunday I went to a fundraiser that one of the girls on my running team, Magdaly, held at QZar, a place I hadn't been since high school! It was so much fun and I won a raffle- a gift certificate to Posh Hair Salon. Which is good because my hair sucks. Did I mention that Magdaly is awesome and we're going to be roommates in San Diego? I've really met some awesome people through Team in Training. My mentor Lauri has been helpful relating to stuff, and not just running related.

I cannot believe the half marathon is less than 2 weeks away, and that I'm not one bit nervous about it. I'm much more nervous about attempting 18 miles this weekend at hilly Sunken Meadow. With everything going on on race day, and with my training between now and then, I'm hoping it really will be an easy, fun one. Some people have already mentioned coming out to see me at the start and or/the finish line, and I'm really psyched about that!!!

I still feel like I have awhile to go before being able to run a full marathon though, and I'm running out of time. Woah. Totally unintentional pun.

Stubborn Numbers

Sixteen miles. Sixteen miles! Sixteen miles.

That's what I did on Saturday. I suppose that I haven't updated until now because it's taken me that long to recover from it.

I also officially met my fund raising goal yesterday!!! I'm even a few hundred dollars over. The more the better, right? It's all for a good cause. That's what I was telling myself during miles 14, 15, and 16 on Saturday. I just kept going, and going, and going when everything in my body was telling me to stop. The company of the training captains and coaches and teammates helped, but it was also that stubborn number in my head. Sixteen. Sixteen! Sixteen.

This weekend we only have to do thirteen. (ONLY thirteen???? When did that thought formulate?) Next weekend, it's up to eighteen. But one day at a time.

Life's still crazy, but not in such a bad way anymore.

keep on.

Life has been crazy, and not in a good way. At least I have this running thing going on. At the same time, I'm kind of locked into it- I won't be able to get away, between this and my two jobs, for months. It's hard feeling trapped when all I want to do is get away from everything, even just for a weekend.

But isn't that life? It keeps going even when everything is wrong. It just keeps going. The sun rises and the sun sets and weeks pass and months pass and you might be sad but it just keeps going.

At least when I'm running, I feel strong. I feel alive. I feel motivated. Just like when I write and put things down on paper. I wish I had more time for the writing thing.

I don't understand a lot of things- even something that should be completely basic to me- myself. Life keeps going anyway. And I keep running. Maybe someday I'll make to that that finish line, whatever it is.

Fall.

It's Friday night and I'm going to bed early to be fully rested for a 7:30 am team run and meeting with four clients right after.

Bought some new running clothes tonight since my coach has been on my case about wearing cotton. This marathon is depleting my bank account.

***

I really hope that one day all of these screwed up pieces of my life will fall into place.

Worth it.

So basically, it's 8 pm and I'm ready to fall asleep. I'm sore and tired all the time now between working two jobs and training for the marathon. The days have been really long and when I do get home I'm too tired to do much of anything, like working on my writing, which I really want to do.

But! Despite the challenges, I still think this marathon is doing so much to keep me sane lately. It's so mental, pulling through all those miles, and so rewarding to feel it getting just a little easier every time I go out to run. After that missed run a couple of weeks ago, I went to an injury prevention clinic and was really disappointed to find out that because of my leg alignment, I have to be extra cautious about completing the full marathon. Since then, I've been running with a knee brace, using an ice compress, and stretching and everything I can do to prevent my knee from stopping me. And it's been feeling so much better! Which is a relief.

Two Saturdays ago there was a team run at the Massapequa Preserve. It was a 12 mile run and I felt totally unprepared, having missed the 10 mile run the week before. On top of everything, I was fifteen minutes late to practice, meaning I was well behind the rest of the team and running alone. I really struggled through it- I wasn't wearing the knee brace, and it got so boring running alone for that long. For the last third of it I had to alternate between running and walking. I felt good to at least finish the twelve miles, but I was still nervous about my performance.

After that I never ran without the knee brace again. And then, last Sunday, I ran a full 13 miles with the team. THIRTEEN MILES. Thirteen frigging miles. I ran. That's a half marathon! Seriously... it's still mind boggling to me, honestly. It's a lot to take in. I almost got a bit teary eyed when I finished. It's kind of just overwhelming to even think about. I'm halfway there. And I remember when I was first considering running half a marathon, I was concerned about being able to do it by May, and here it was, still March, and I had already done it.

It's moments like that that make all this training worth it. Moments like today, when I ran outside during my lunch break, and easily finished over 4 miles like it was nothing. Moments like when my sister tells me that I'm her inspiration, or when I get a donation from an unexpected source, or when we are constantly reminded that what we are doing matters, that we are really helping to save people's lives- I'm doing something that matters. It isn't always easy, but since when is anything that's worth it easy? And if it was easy, would it be worth it? Would it feel this good?

My life has been all kinds of crazy lately, and doing this marathon is helping me so much mentally, physically, and emotionally. It's helping me with my patience and discipline and perspective. And even though it's only 8:26 pm and I'm exhausted enough to pass out right now, at least I feel like I'm worth something as I fall asleep.