Breaking & Rebuilding

In my training schedule, Saturdays are the Big Days, sandwiched by rest days on Friday and Sundays. This particular Saturday began with me going to a shoe clinic at the Runner's Edge in Farmingdale, where I finally got proper running sneakers for myself. Apparently I was wearing a trail running shoe even though I've mostly been doing the treadmill, and did you know that you're supposed to buy a size larger for running sneakers than your usual size because your feet swell up so much during long runs? Well, I did not.

Armed with the proper footwear and proper socks, I went to the gym, ran six miles, took a break during which I bought a sports drink (I've been reading about the loss of electrolytes and potassium and such during the long runs) and then ran another 3, bringing my grand total for the day to 9 miles. (!!!!) For some reason my headphones chose to die shortly before the end of mile 8, so I had to do the whole last mile without music, which sucked. But it felt good to hit a new goal.

One of the Team in Training coaches emailed me today, and a couple of the things she said really made me think. She was talking about how when you exercise you essentially are breaking your body down, but afterwards the body rebuilds itself and becomes stronger. That just seems like such a beautiful concept to me. I know I need to and want to become a much stronger person than I am now. The coach, who is injured at the moment, is frustrated that she hasn't been able to run, but that being involved with Team in Training she meets so many people who facing serious illnesses and are going through chemo, so it really helps to put things in perspective.

So yeah, in a lot of ways my life really sucks right now. (For example, I spent almost the entire past two days at work stuffing envelopes. MY LIFE IS BEING WASTED!!!) But, I am capable of running a marathon. I am able to contribute to helping find a cure for cancer. (1,500 dollars so far.) I am able to put words on paper in a way that seems to really touch people. (Three years since writing it, and I still receive emails so often from strangers who read and loved my novel Allison Wonderland.) I need to acknowledge these things and stop being so friggin depressed all of the time. Things are not how I want them to be, but hopefully if I keep moving and keep trying to do the right things, everything will work itself out eventually.

I drink a crapload of Yogi tea, and each tea bag has a little fortune cookie-type message attached to its string. One of my messages today was, "Be proud of who you are." It's one of those cheesy things to do but... so many people have this horrible negative self image of themselves, me among them, more than I would like to admit. When I'm completely honest with myself, though, deep down I know I'm a pretty good person and yeah, I have the typical amount of screw ups in my history, but who doesn't?

What I really want- more than anything- is to be happy. Something tells me that in order to be happy, I need to be stronger first. So I will continue breaking myself down and rebuilding myself until I get there.