The Half.

I had thought I wouldn't be nervous for the half marathon. After all, it was only thirteen miles. Ha.

Maybe I was just excited. Maybe I was nervous about how my leg had felt especially off all week. Maybe it was because I was crashing at my parents' house for the night so that my mom could drop me off in the morning and I wouldn't have to worry about parking. Either way, I didn't get much sleep on Saturday night, the night before the Long Island Half Marathon.

I had all my stuff ready- had done a short 2 mile test run on Saturday afternoon with all my race gear. This included my team in training singlet and the belt pocket I had purchased at the race expo on Friday night. Stored in said belt pocket were three shot blocks and two GUs, which are nutritional supplements that runners take during long runs. I had my shoe tag on my sneakers, my number pinned to my shirt, body glide set out to put on my feet to prevent blisters. Sunscreen and a bag with a change of clothes for after the race. So everything was ready, but I still couldn't sleep.

I had set my alarm for 5:15 am, but at 5:07 I woke up and almost instantly was out of bed. I had my pre-long run meal of oatmeal with peanut butter and raisins, light on any fluids because I had already hydrated heavily the day before and didn't want to have to stop to use the bathroom during the race.

My mom dropped me off in Eisenhower Park at about 6:45 am, and I found the Team in Training booth- a big mass of purple singlets. The coaches gave a pep talk and then the whole group of us started walking down to the start line.

We hung around there for awhile, waiting for the race to begin. It did at 8 AM, but there were so many people (thousands!!) that it took a full 3 minutes for us to pass the start line.

My ankle started popping right away, and my knee felt off, which was really annoying. Still, I was determined. I was running a different pace than anyone else in my group, so I was running alone early on. I tried to listen to the iPod on my iPhone, but I'm not used to working it yet, and it kept shuffling. So then I tried listening to Last.fm & Pandora and that was slowing me down and luckily I finally got the iPod to work. (Looking back, that probably slowed me down and caused me valuble seconds or even minutes to my finish time!!)

Even though it was so early, it was already hot out, and for the first few miles of the race I was running behind this guy in full army gear and I wasn't sure how he wasn't passing out. I passed him, though, and basically I just kept running, pacing my miles. There were large clocks at each mile as well as water stations. I would grab a cup from a volunteer, chug it, fling it to the side of the road. You had to be careful of all the empty cups in the road. Repeat 13 times. Ha. It was a semi-interesting route because it was mostly roads I drive down often, like Old Country Rd and Jericho Turnpike and Post Ave and even a bit of Wantagh Parkway. I had never run on a parkway before. While I was on there, around mile 9, we all had to move to the side of the road to make room for an ambulance rushing to some lady who had passed out.

I just kept going and going and it was hotter than expected but my leg was bothering me more than the heat. At mile 12 I started to get really excited about seeing my family and Justin at the finish line. Then, and at a couple other points during the race, I almost felt like I was going to cry, because I just couldn't believe I was doing this, and doing it pretty well!

Near the finish line I saw Mom, Dad, Andrew, etc- it all happened really fast- and then I picked up my pace and finished strong at 2:23:25. That was the first time I ran that long without stopping to stretch. I heard them announce my name over a speaker- saying DIANE Caporaso- and I wanted to kill them. Haha. I was handed my half marathon medal and a reusable lunch bag of free food. I hadn't seen Justin before the finish line, but he was the first one I found after crossing. I ran up to him and hugged him, even though I was all sweaty and gross. We found the rest of my family members who had been able to come see me for the finish- and it felt so awesome because they all seemed so proud of me, as well as a bit in awe that I was capable of running for that long. It was such an intense, amazing experience. And it's a bit weird to think that it's an experience I might not have had if my life hadn't been thrown into that blender after New Year's.

Afterwards we all went out to brunch and I changed out of my sweaty running clothes into a nice purple dress but I kept my medal on. In the bathroom of the diner I randomly ran into my favorite teacher from high school, and she had just run the half marathon too. Life can be so incredibly random sometimes.

And I also can't help but feel really scared for the full marathon, which is only a month away now. When did that happen??? Am I ready? I don't know if I can last 26 miles with a popping ankle. I saw the podiatrist last week and tomorrow I'm seeing an orthopedist. I really hope I can get the leg situation sorted out soon.

Also, I just turned 26 two days ago. Seems like a fitting year to be running a marathon.

Brace.

The doc gave me an ankle brace which is the most ridiculous, heavy, horrible thing in the world.

Do not want.

I ran 1.63 miles with it and had to stop.

Do not like.

What to do?

Docs & Salt & Painkillers

I couldn't do my run today, and it was SO frustrating. My legs still hurt too much from Saturday and I was afraid of making them worse before the official Long Island half marathon on Sunday. I officially made an appointment to get it checked out tomorrow so hopefully everything will be ok and I'll be running again soon.

One of the training captains during the run on Saturday gave me a tip about freezing a water bottle and rolling it up and down my legs, and that helps. Also been taking a plethora of painkillers, a nice mix of tylenol and aleve and ibuprofen. Seems like everyone on my team is dealing with some kind of running injury at this point, though.

I can't believe that the half marathon is this Sunday!!! I am so excited for it!!! I really hope it goes well. It's surreal to even think about.

Here's something kind of strange that I didn't know before my marathon training: When you run for hours at a time, the salt from your sweat kind of collects on your face a bit. So after the long runs I'll see this white powderish looking stuff around my eyes. I think some of it got into my eye at the end of the last long run too and it burned like hell.

Mostly I'm just stressed about seeing the doctor tomorrow and excited for the half marathon and trying not to think too much about anything else. In that fashion, the marathon itself is one giant painkiller, some kind of generic store-brand swallowed without water.

Why are there so many stairs?

Oh my goodness. My legs are in so much pain I can't even move. And that's after only three quarters of a marathon!!! How am I going to survive the full????

And I thought it was painful waking up at 5:15 am to get to my run in time. It was the 4th time this week that I've woken up before six to get training done.

I did eighteen miles and... it wasn't easy. The route had a few intense hills. (They call them the cardiac hills. They're a bitch.) My ankle kept popping. My knee felt off. But besides that the pain is your pretty average muscle soreness.

I drove home afterwards, my muscles tense. It hurt so much to walk up the stairs. I felt like somebody's ninety-five year old grandmother. I basically collapsed onto the floor in my room. I took off my running sneakers and my toes were dirty for some reason and one of my toenails was really black and blue and I had new blisters and my feet kind of smelled funky.

I started walking downstairs to take a shower and each step took about half a minute, it felt like. I was finally almost there when I realized I'd forgotten my towel and I felt like crying.

Quickest shower in the history of the world, and I haven't done much since except lie in bed. I went downstairs one more time to get my ice pack, and afterwards I just stood at the foot of the stairs briefly, half-laughing, half-crying at how ridiculously hard it would be for me to climb them. "WHY ARE THERE SO MANY STAIRS?" I asked out loud.

I'm hungry and thirsty but getting food and water means another trip downstairs and I really don't know if I have the strenghth for that right now. Maybe someday running 18 miles will be easy for me, but that's definitely not today.

I hope I feel better by tonight so I can get out and do something. It's such a beautiful day out. I've been feeling really down about a bunch of things. At least when I'm trucking through those last few miles, determined to get to that predetermined number, it's hard to think of anything else besides making it to the end. Today I have pushed my body harder than I ever have. And I'm three quarters of the way there.

... all of this pain will be worth it in the end... right?

Running out of time.

Last Saturday I ran 13 miles and while it was still a bit difficult towards the end it was still sooo much easier than it has been. I ran the whole thing and had less gatorade stops during the run. I remember thinking at one point, "Since when did running 13 miles become easy?"

In comparison to 16, at least- it definitely was. I'm still really scared of the 18 miler this weekend. And about driving home after. I know I'll probably have to leave Saturday mostly, if not completely, free just for recovering from the training. I cannot even explain to you how I feel after a Saturday morning training run. I'm completely stripped of energy and I just want to lie in bed all day and walking hurts and going up and down the stairs REALLY hurts and I feel these little muscles on the sides of my feet that I didn't even know I had popping and it hurts but at the same time I know I'm doing something amazing.

In other running news, I finally got an iPhone last week (yay technology!!!) and have since downloaded a couple of running apps for tracking distance and pace and such. I'm not sure how exactly accurate they are, but they're still cool.

On Sunday I went to a fundraiser that one of the girls on my running team, Magdaly, held at QZar, a place I hadn't been since high school! It was so much fun and I won a raffle- a gift certificate to Posh Hair Salon. Which is good because my hair sucks. Did I mention that Magdaly is awesome and we're going to be roommates in San Diego? I've really met some awesome people through Team in Training. My mentor Lauri has been helpful relating to stuff, and not just running related.

I cannot believe the half marathon is less than 2 weeks away, and that I'm not one bit nervous about it. I'm much more nervous about attempting 18 miles this weekend at hilly Sunken Meadow. With everything going on on race day, and with my training between now and then, I'm hoping it really will be an easy, fun one. Some people have already mentioned coming out to see me at the start and or/the finish line, and I'm really psyched about that!!!

I still feel like I have awhile to go before being able to run a full marathon though, and I'm running out of time. Woah. Totally unintentional pun.

Stubborn Numbers

Sixteen miles. Sixteen miles! Sixteen miles.

That's what I did on Saturday. I suppose that I haven't updated until now because it's taken me that long to recover from it.

I also officially met my fund raising goal yesterday!!! I'm even a few hundred dollars over. The more the better, right? It's all for a good cause. That's what I was telling myself during miles 14, 15, and 16 on Saturday. I just kept going, and going, and going when everything in my body was telling me to stop. The company of the training captains and coaches and teammates helped, but it was also that stubborn number in my head. Sixteen. Sixteen! Sixteen.

This weekend we only have to do thirteen. (ONLY thirteen???? When did that thought formulate?) Next weekend, it's up to eighteen. But one day at a time.

Life's still crazy, but not in such a bad way anymore.

keep on.

Life has been crazy, and not in a good way. At least I have this running thing going on. At the same time, I'm kind of locked into it- I won't be able to get away, between this and my two jobs, for months. It's hard feeling trapped when all I want to do is get away from everything, even just for a weekend.

But isn't that life? It keeps going even when everything is wrong. It just keeps going. The sun rises and the sun sets and weeks pass and months pass and you might be sad but it just keeps going.

At least when I'm running, I feel strong. I feel alive. I feel motivated. Just like when I write and put things down on paper. I wish I had more time for the writing thing.

I don't understand a lot of things- even something that should be completely basic to me- myself. Life keeps going anyway. And I keep running. Maybe someday I'll make to that that finish line, whatever it is.

Fall.

It's Friday night and I'm going to bed early to be fully rested for a 7:30 am team run and meeting with four clients right after.

Bought some new running clothes tonight since my coach has been on my case about wearing cotton. This marathon is depleting my bank account.

***

I really hope that one day all of these screwed up pieces of my life will fall into place.

Worth it.

So basically, it's 8 pm and I'm ready to fall asleep. I'm sore and tired all the time now between working two jobs and training for the marathon. The days have been really long and when I do get home I'm too tired to do much of anything, like working on my writing, which I really want to do.

But! Despite the challenges, I still think this marathon is doing so much to keep me sane lately. It's so mental, pulling through all those miles, and so rewarding to feel it getting just a little easier every time I go out to run. After that missed run a couple of weeks ago, I went to an injury prevention clinic and was really disappointed to find out that because of my leg alignment, I have to be extra cautious about completing the full marathon. Since then, I've been running with a knee brace, using an ice compress, and stretching and everything I can do to prevent my knee from stopping me. And it's been feeling so much better! Which is a relief.

Two Saturdays ago there was a team run at the Massapequa Preserve. It was a 12 mile run and I felt totally unprepared, having missed the 10 mile run the week before. On top of everything, I was fifteen minutes late to practice, meaning I was well behind the rest of the team and running alone. I really struggled through it- I wasn't wearing the knee brace, and it got so boring running alone for that long. For the last third of it I had to alternate between running and walking. I felt good to at least finish the twelve miles, but I was still nervous about my performance.

After that I never ran without the knee brace again. And then, last Sunday, I ran a full 13 miles with the team. THIRTEEN MILES. Thirteen frigging miles. I ran. That's a half marathon! Seriously... it's still mind boggling to me, honestly. It's a lot to take in. I almost got a bit teary eyed when I finished. It's kind of just overwhelming to even think about. I'm halfway there. And I remember when I was first considering running half a marathon, I was concerned about being able to do it by May, and here it was, still March, and I had already done it.

It's moments like that that make all this training worth it. Moments like today, when I ran outside during my lunch break, and easily finished over 4 miles like it was nothing. Moments like when my sister tells me that I'm her inspiration, or when I get a donation from an unexpected source, or when we are constantly reminded that what we are doing matters, that we are really helping to save people's lives- I'm doing something that matters. It isn't always easy, but since when is anything that's worth it easy? And if it was easy, would it be worth it? Would it feel this good?

My life has been all kinds of crazy lately, and doing this marathon is helping me so much mentally, physically, and emotionally. It's helping me with my patience and discipline and perspective. And even though it's only 8:26 pm and I'm exhausted enough to pass out right now, at least I feel like I'm worth something as I fall asleep.

Feeling Bad.

I really wanted to run in the rain today. I know that sounds crazy, but I really, really did.

Unfortunately, my injury had other ideas.

A week ago, at my niece and nephew's birthday party, I sipped coffee from a Wow Wow Wubbzy cup and asked my older brother Anthony to look at my knee. It's been bothering me, and he's a doctor.

He poked and prodded it, compared it to the other one, checked for fluids or something (gross) and for a moment, he looked concerned, but then he had me sit down, and he examined again, and declared I should be fine. He recommended a knee brace and ice, just like everyone else.

Why did I wait so long?

I did my weekly runs, including a really nice 3.25 miles outside during my lunch break on Thursday. It was bothering me a bit then, too, but I just pushed through it.

I'm not sure if I pulled a muscle or something, but when I woke up on Friday, my right knee felt off and the muscles around it hurt a LOT. My hamstring, too. And quads. And everything. Why did I get the worst blisters on my right foot, too? My entire left leg remains fine.

It hurt so much at work I even had to take the elevator instead of the stairs, something I hate doing because I am a very impatient person and it makes me feel lazy. I took painkillers, and during my lunch break I spent over 30 dollars on a knee brace and ice compress. I took it easy all day, really hoping that I'd still be able to do my run with the team this morning.

When I woke up this morning, I knew right away the my leg and knee could not handle a ten mile run. I hate thinking that others might assume that I wussed out because of the rain. If rain were the only factor, I'd be there in a heartbeat. But... I don't want to hurt myself anymore than I already have.

Luckily this morning after the run is an injury clinic (perfectly timed?) So I'll be going to that and hopefully getting the doctor who is running it to take a quick look at my knee and see if he recommends anything.

I feel really, really bad that I didn't do my ten miler today. I feel so far behind. I can only hope that I can do it tomorrow... but it'll be so much harder alone.

Equality

Waking up at 6:30 on a Saturday after less than five hours of sleep= ouch.
Doing so to run an hour and a half in the cold= ouch.
Doing so while my right knee was bothering me much for a good portion of the run=ouch.
Running uphill= ouch ouch.

Running downhill= FREAKIN FANTASTIC.

waiting for the light

I was stopped at the corner of Elwood and Jericho, waiting for the light to turn green. My face was wet.

I told myself, "I'm okay. I'm okay."

I tried again. "I will be okay."

The light changed, I had to go. I had to wake up in less than six hours to meet my marathon training team for an hour and a half long run in Sunken Meadow Park. I heard that there will be hills and team photos. I've never run that long without stopping before. I'm not too good with hills, either. But I'm still going to do it. Tomorrow I will do something that I have never done before. I've heard that once you get through the hills, just running a straight path is easy.

Before I get home, I told myself, silently this time, my face will be dry.

I was right.

Falls and Crosses

As I was walking into my office building today I saw a woman and small girl walking hand in hand. I assume they were mother and daughter, but who can really know these things?

The girl was wearing a puffy pink jacket and a knit hat with tassels on it. Out of nowhere, she fell.

Immediately, of course, she started wailing. The woman helped her up and inspected her hands. "Stop screaming!" she instructed. "You have nothing, you have nothing!"

I guess this woman doesn't know that not all pain is physical and visual. That the fact that the world can just lead you to fall without any reason or fault of your own can hurt just as much, if not more, than scrapes or blood.

Still, wailing about it is never attractive. Especially when you're not a little girl anymore. I must remember this.

I wonder if that little girl even remembers her fall right now, or if she's content and happy in pre-K making macaroni necklaces, her trauma completely forgotten, her hair full of static from her pink hat and her not even caring. And here I am... here I am.

I got in my cross training yesterday and then some. This marathon is perhaps the best thing I have going for me right now.

JM, Trouble, and Karma

Not much new to report, except that I did get my training runs in the past two days, and I bought the new Jillian Michaels DVD for my cross training tomorrow.

I kind of got in trouble at work for sending out fund raising letters to everyone's home addresses (the person who gave me the master office list shouldn't have, apparently, and my boss was upset that I refused to rat out who gave it to me.). But! I came home today to find a donation check in the mail, and that was exciting! I really hope they continue to come. I'm getting there.

While I was at Borders tonight buying the DVD, the chick behind the counter asked me if I wanted to donate a book or a teddy bear to a children's hospital. I remembered how many people are supporting me by making donations to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, so I quickly agreed to donate a book. (I'm big on getting kids to read, too. It's the writer in me.) So I guess that was me passing along some good karma, there.

Also, is it just me, or was tonight's episode of lost the best yet this season?

Waking Up.

When my alarm went off at 5:45 am this morning, it was still dark out. Every fiber in my being said, "Diana, what are you doing! It's Saturday! You are crazy!"

I hit the snooze alarm and debated back and forth whether I should go. After the blizzard Thursday night and Friday, I wasn't too keen on running outside in potentially icy conditions.

I decided not to go, but a few minutes later I realized I was too awake to go back to sleep, and knew how disappointed I would be if I didn't.

So I got up, had my usual power breakfast of oatmeal with peanut butter and raisins, planted the address of the park into my GPS, and pulled into a parking lot to find a large group of other runners huddled about and stretching.

It was early! I felt as if I was a member of some kind of secret club that most people sleep through. We ran for 75 minutes today- started at 7:15 and ended at 8:30- just looping around the park over and over. I decided to go without the ipod and instead chatted with a few different stranger-teammates, and the time flew... Coach Dave said I did a really good job today. I did notice that I was running at a faster pace than most of the group from the beginning.

My right knee started bothering me a bit, but other than that- I was fine, I was so happy that I didn't really get out of breath at all. After the run was over, a bunch of the group headed to a nearby museum for a nutrition clinic. Even though I'm a nutritionist at Lucille Roberts, I wanted to show my face and do the team thing and try to get to know people more. I'm glad I went because we got to sample a bunch of different sport endurance products that I haven't tried yet, and some of them were really good! (Some of them were so gross. GU? Yuck.)

By the time I left at 11 am I felt like I had already had a very productive day with good people. I was fully intending to go to the gym, but my coaches keep warning me not to overtrain, and I realize how exhausted I am running for over an hour on less than 5 hours of sleep. I really need to get a nap in because I'm going out to the city tonight and will probably be getting back home really late.

I'm really glad I woke up this morning. It was tough, but it was worth it, and I keep getting reminders that this is all for a very good cause, and it feels good to do something that matters, even if it isn't easy.

TShirts & Socials

My life, training-wise. (Of course there is a lot of other stuff going on too... but... you know.)

Yesterday I did the 30 minutes with intervals up to 8.0. Perhaps one day I will be a fast runner.

Also yesterday, I got one of the Team in Training emails announcing the highest fundraisers thus far, and someone on my team was mentioned, but when I checked her fundraising page, I realized I have actually raised more so far (right now I'm at $1725). But! Tonight at the Team in Training social I received the credit where it was due with an announcement of my name and a giant bright green tshirt. I knew I was doing pretty well with the fundraising, but I didn't realize that I was ahead of everyone else for the San Diego Marathon :) It's definitely brought out the competitive side in me, wanting me to raise more and more and more :) Just like when I went to the first information meeting for Team in Training- I won a tshirt then too by listing the most names of people I know. Which was a good feeling, even though I will never be able to wear said tshirt because I could probably fit three or four of me inside it.

Anyway! The social tonight was nice. It was at the Post Office Cafe in Babylon. I'm slowly starting to get to know more people who are also making themselves suffer through training.

Didn't have enough time to fit in all of my 50 minutes of cross training today :( Pretty much went to the social right after work, and was cramming in finishing as many letteres to send out as possible. (I've finished 72 so far... at least 28 more to go.) But! I intend to tack on the extra cross training time to my 30 minute run tomorrow, and I'm also hoping the impending winter storm doesn't conflict with my training tomorrow :-/

Things will be better once spring comes, I hope. All this cold wet stuff will just melt away and I'll finally be able to feel warm again and...

Fade.

I love love love my new running socks. My blisters are finally... slowly... starting to fade away.

Intervals and Insanity

Stuck to the allotted 30 minutes today, but since I was running for a shorter period of time, I pushed myself to run faster, doing intervals of up to 7.5 mph. Not too bad, I suppose.

I feel like I've been working on my letters for a very long time and I'm only halfway through them.

Um, my life is crazy, I must go to sleep now.

Slow & Steady & Swollen

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

My feet hurt. My knee hurts.

Perhaps should have broken in new sneakers more slowly instead of immediately running 9 miles in them.

It's weird because as I was leaving the gym today I was thinking, "Wow, I just ran 9 miles and I feel fine!!!

And now, hours later... swelling. Pain.

I think for now on I'm going to follow the training schedule to a T and never try to skip ahead. I really don't want to force things and then hurt myself and be out of the thing before I even really start. This is yet another test for my almost non-existing patience. Slow and steady wins the race, right? You can't rush these things.

Can't rush anything, though sometimes I really wish I could.

Breaking & Rebuilding

In my training schedule, Saturdays are the Big Days, sandwiched by rest days on Friday and Sundays. This particular Saturday began with me going to a shoe clinic at the Runner's Edge in Farmingdale, where I finally got proper running sneakers for myself. Apparently I was wearing a trail running shoe even though I've mostly been doing the treadmill, and did you know that you're supposed to buy a size larger for running sneakers than your usual size because your feet swell up so much during long runs? Well, I did not.

Armed with the proper footwear and proper socks, I went to the gym, ran six miles, took a break during which I bought a sports drink (I've been reading about the loss of electrolytes and potassium and such during the long runs) and then ran another 3, bringing my grand total for the day to 9 miles. (!!!!) For some reason my headphones chose to die shortly before the end of mile 8, so I had to do the whole last mile without music, which sucked. But it felt good to hit a new goal.

One of the Team in Training coaches emailed me today, and a couple of the things she said really made me think. She was talking about how when you exercise you essentially are breaking your body down, but afterwards the body rebuilds itself and becomes stronger. That just seems like such a beautiful concept to me. I know I need to and want to become a much stronger person than I am now. The coach, who is injured at the moment, is frustrated that she hasn't been able to run, but that being involved with Team in Training she meets so many people who facing serious illnesses and are going through chemo, so it really helps to put things in perspective.

So yeah, in a lot of ways my life really sucks right now. (For example, I spent almost the entire past two days at work stuffing envelopes. MY LIFE IS BEING WASTED!!!) But, I am capable of running a marathon. I am able to contribute to helping find a cure for cancer. (1,500 dollars so far.) I am able to put words on paper in a way that seems to really touch people. (Three years since writing it, and I still receive emails so often from strangers who read and loved my novel Allison Wonderland.) I need to acknowledge these things and stop being so friggin depressed all of the time. Things are not how I want them to be, but hopefully if I keep moving and keep trying to do the right things, everything will work itself out eventually.

I drink a crapload of Yogi tea, and each tea bag has a little fortune cookie-type message attached to its string. One of my messages today was, "Be proud of who you are." It's one of those cheesy things to do but... so many people have this horrible negative self image of themselves, me among them, more than I would like to admit. When I'm completely honest with myself, though, deep down I know I'm a pretty good person and yeah, I have the typical amount of screw ups in my history, but who doesn't?

What I really want- more than anything- is to be happy. Something tells me that in order to be happy, I need to be stronger first. So I will continue breaking myself down and rebuilding myself until I get there.