The Marathon.

The alarm went off at 3:15 am. It was still pitch dark outside. I got out of bed, put on my racing gear that I had set up only hours before, ate something. Went downstairs to catch the shuttle to the start line.

The entire world felt surreal. It was the middle of the night and I was surrounded by palm trees and people in matching purple singlets. The shuttle dropped us off somewhere and we had to walk the rest of the way. Almost everyone needed to use the bathroom. Coach Anne led us in a meditation, trying to calm our nerves. The lines to the bathroom were ridiculous. Kathleen and I had to rush to drop off our gear bags and then to our starting corrals. I was in corral 20, somewhere in the middle of 30,000 runners. The race officially started at 6:15 am, but it was 6:31 by the time I got to the start line.

And then I ran a marathon.

At first there were a lot of interesting things to look at. Spanish style houses, cool architecture, mountains and palm trees. One guy was running in a diaper with an inflatable monkey on his back. I was keeping up my 10 minute pace pretty well. At mile 5 we passed Petco Park. At every water station I had cytomax and water. Around mile 9 my leg muscles started feeling really tight. The backs of my legs were burning and my knee brace was chafing me. I stopped briefly to stretch, then kept going. I passed the half marathon mark at almost exactly the same time I got there the last time- which was a little disappointing, I was hoping to get there faster this time. But I had stopped to stretch.

At mile 14 I saw Tara, one of the TNT coordinators, and she cheered me on and took a picture of me. At mile 15ish I saw Coach Anne, who ran with me for a few minutes and asked how I was doing. She advised me to take a salt packet if I could get one and wished me luck.

I was taking shot blocks or GUs every 45 minutes or so. I stopped for another quick stretch after seeing Coach Anne, and then at mile 18 I actually got off the course to do a really good stretch. I did every leg stretch I could possibly think of. That ate about 10 minutes of my time. And then I got back up to do the last 8.2 miles.

By that time my pace was starting to slow down, but I was absolutely determined to run the entire thing. I just kept pushing myself to keep moving, telling myself it was almost over. Then I passed mile 20, and I was running further than I ever had before.

The miles seemed to be getting farther and farther apart Miles 21 to 24 were so painful and unpleasant. At that point we were running past a bay and the scenery was growing monotonous. But I kept moving. I was running so slowly that there was a girl who was power walking that was pretty much keepign up with me, but I was determined to run, no matter how slowly.

A really nice coach who I didn't know ran with me for a little while, reminding me that I was doing an amazing wonderful thing, and that the pain that I was feeling now was helping those suffering from cancer, and I was a superhero for doing what I was doing, and I was strong and I could do it and a lot of other good stuff. I was trying not to cry.

At mile 25, though, after that angel coach had fallen back, I really did start crying a bit. I couldn't believe that I was about to finish running a full marathon. I thought about the event in my life that had been the catalyst for this crazy endeavor, and everything I had been through the past five months with the training- the five am runs, the injuries, the progress and frustration and new friends and the exhaustion and the hope. I thought about how I had raised over 3600 dollars for charity, and for the generosity of everyone I knew who had donated both for a good cause and so that I could experience this feeling crossing a finish line after running 26.2 miles. I thought about how strong I had trained by body to be when everything else in my life had felt so helpless. And there were more spectators around now, cheering my name and telling me I was almost there.

I saw Coach Anne again and she ran with me for a bit, telling me what to do and where to go after the finish. I could barely even talk at that point so she left me to finish on my own.

And I crossed that finish line at five hours and sixteen minutes. I was a little bit disappointed because I had really wanted to do it in less than five hours, but at the same time, I was so overwhelmed and happy that I had been able to run a full marathon. I was now part of less than one percent of the population that had ever done it. My ankle hadn't popped the whole way and my knee had held up and my body was able to run for over five hours without giving up or passing out or getting injured.

I received my finishers medal and posed for a picture and then just kind of wandered around for awhile, trying to find the TNT tent. I passed a free food station and picked up a banana and bag of trail mix. My entire body just felt so totally drained of energy. I found the gear check vans and it took me what felt like 20 minutes to take off my sneakers and get my flip flops on. It was impossible to squat, my legs hurt so much.

I found my teammates, or really, they found me, and I got back to the hotel to rest up and enjoy the rest of the weekend. And that was the marathon. It's Thursday now and my legs are still hurting, but they are feeling a lot better.

I think what this whole experience has taught me is that I just have to keep moving, no matter how slowly I'm going, no matter how much the rest of me is hurting. There is a bigger picture and I will get to that finish line eventually even if it's not exactly within my goal time. I'll get there if I just keep moving, and we all get the same medal at the end, after all.

I can't wait to do another one.

crossing.

So this is it. In eight and a half hours, instead of leaving for a morning run, I'll be leaving for the airport to go to San Diego to run a full marathon.

It hasn't really sunk in yet.

It's... crazy. I still have so much packing to do. I'm so exhausted and excited at the same time.

When I signed up for this thing back in January, I was really hoping it would help me find happiness again- or at least contentment. Now it's the eve of the trip and I'm not sure yet how much it has helped... but it's been... something. And this weekend is bound to be amazing, so maybe I'll hold off my consensus until Monday.

On Saturday we had our last coached practice before the marathon. It was only eight miles because we're tapering, but I could feel how much progress I've made- running eight miles like it was nothing- even sprinting for chunks of it. Yet, there is a huge difference between 8 and 26.2. I don't feel completely ready and confident for Sunday, but I do know I will give it EVERYTHING I have. Without a doubt.

I look forward to crossing that finish line.

nothing heavy.

Last night, I dreamt I was running.

It was the easiest, most effortless run I had ever done in my life. My body felt light, I wasn't wearing a knee brace, my ankle wasn't popping, nothing hurt. Nothing felt heavy. I wasn't carrying my iPhone or adjusting my earphones because I didn't have to distract myself with music or an audiobook. I didn't have to push myself to keep going, and I wasn't constantly thinking about how much further I had to go before I was finished.

I was just flying. And let me tell you, it was beautiful.

I think I'm starting to understand this running thing.

one of those days.

I know that it's just one of those days. I know that I'll be ok. In two weeks I'll be in California running a freakin marathon. But today I'm not ok and I can't stop crying. I want to work out and at the same time all I want to do is sleep. I feel this twinge in my knee and in my heart and neither should be hurting this much this far along.

Yesterday I watched the movie The Prestige and there was a scene where a magician made a bird disappear by crushing him into nothing, basically. I kind of feel like that today.

It will be ok. Things cannot be like this forever.

How about that Lost finale, huh? So many things are ending.

Four Letter Word

Around mile four of my thirteen miler yesterday, I suddenly heard and felt a loud crack in the area of my right ankle, and subsequently, my ankle began popping again.

One word. Four letters. Starts with F.

I finished the thirteen miles, but it was not pleasant.

I pray it's ok again in time for the marathon. Two weeks from today.

The Dreaded 20 Miler.

In some ways, it went much better than I expected.

When I arrived at the team practice that morning, Lauri & Magdaly told me that there were cupcakes. "I don't think I could eat a cupcake right now," I said, making a face. The thought of that much sugar when I was already so nervous about the impending run and pain was too much.

They urged me to look at them, and so I did. Each cupcake had a letter on top, and they all spelled out: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DIANA 26". One of the training captains, Robin, had made them for me. It was so sweetly unexpected and really put me in a good mood to start the run. To think that someone at this very moment could be doing something really nice for you and you have absolutely no idea or expectation of it- I think those are the best surprises.

I felt strong during the run- like I could keep running forever. Don't get me wrong- by mile 12, I WANTED to stop. But that was mental. My body was capable of continuing, and I was feeling stubborn about finishing the twenty. I knew I had to- the marathon was only 3 weeks away. At least I felt much stronger than I had when I had done the 18 miler. I didn't stop for any walk breaks this time.

Also around mile 12, I started feeling a lot of pain around where I tie my laces on my right foot. I knew I needed pain killers to make it through the rest of the run, which was frustrating. Luckily I found someone at mile 13 that had extra strength tylenol, and I loosened my laces a bit, and I just kept going- telling myself that I only had a little over an hour left of torture.

Around mile 17 I started feeling the pain all the way up past my legs and hips into my torso.
But I just kept going and going and going like the freaking energizer bunny.

I finished the 20 in a little less than 4 hours. I know I don't have the fastest pace ever, and that includes a bathroom break and pausing briefly at a few water stops to stretch and chug gatorade, but I am so psyched that I was able to run the entire thing. And that I was done with our longest training run- it starts to get easier from here until the marathon so that our bodies are fully recovered to run the whole thing.

The pain after was bad but not as bad as I thought it might be. Not any worse than any of the other long runs. I was even able to go out for a bit that night (even though the exhaustion hit me at like 11 pm and I had to go home.)

But! I haven't been able to run since then, still- and it's Wednesday now. I woke up at 5:15 yesterday with every intention of running, but my legs still hurt too much, so I did some cross training instead. I'm going to try to run during my lunch break today... it's so frustrating that my legs still feel so off.

It's probably not a secret- but I'm a bit of an exercise addict. I get stressed and exercise is my mode of stress relief. It's productive, it makes me feel better about myself, it releases endorphins. When I don't work out, I feel horrible. And I have the type of body chemistry that when I miss a workout I definitely see it on the scale the next day. I need to keep burning calories as much as possible because some days it's one of the few things that keeps me sane.

Well, anyway. That was the twenty miler. It's very possible that I may only run that distance only once more in my entire life- the day of the full marathon, June 6th. It's coming so soon. Isn't it strange how my escape from my real life also hurts me and makes me stronger at the same time?

six miles at sunrise

So I guess now I can say that I know what it's like to run six miles at sunrise.

What a week. I've been up at 5:15 am every day to do my training because it's the only time all day I can fit it in. Monday and Tuesday were five miles each, Wednesday was cross training, and this morning I ran six miles. Let me tell you what happens when my cell phone alarm goes off at 5:15 am.

I shut it off.

Then, four minutes later, my actual alarm clock goes off across my room. And I am FORCED to jump out of bed and shut it off before it wakes up my roommates.

Then I force myself to eat a banana and drink some water that I have stashed by my bed for the sole purpose of waking me up. I swallow my supplements and the sugar in the banana hits me and I am somewhat more awake.

I have gone to sleep in a clean sports bra and running clothes, so all I have to do is put on my knee brace, sneakers, grab my ipod and head out the door.

I turn on my iPhone running app and the sun is still low in the sky. The app uses a GPS to track my mileage and also has a handy map of my route because otherwise I'd get hopelessly lost. I try to take different roads every day. While I'm running, I listen to books on tape and kind of zone out. It took me an hour to complete my run this morning. And afterwards, I felt pretty strong.

So even though I hate waking up that early, I do feel pretty glad that I did once I finish my run. It ALMOST makes up for the fact that I was in some pain today at work. Tomorrow's a rest day though, so I can actually sleep in until 6:30 am and hopefully my muscles will be recovered for the Dreaded Twenty Miler on Saturday morning. I am scared, but I'm trying not to think about it. At least after the Dreaded Twenty Miler our training runs start tapering down again until the marathon so that our bodies are more recovered for the full marathon.

It's weird how in my first blog entry I stated that I ran six miles like it was this huge unbelievable incredible feat, and now it's just like any other day. There's something about progression that makes me hopeful about life.